To All You Born Again Virgins...

An interesting question was posed by a fruitloopmum fan last week, and now I'm seriously beginning to consider writing a loopy advice column. I've led an interesting and varied life and made so many mistakes that I reckon I'm the perfect person to advise people on what NOT to do.

Anyway, back to the question in hand which was posted after I'd written 'Divorce can be Wonderful' Which, by the way, I'm over qualified to comment upon, this latest being my second divorce. BUT, THE FIRST TWO HUSBANDS WERE JUST PRACTICE... OK?!

So, in a comment to this last post, a fruitloopmum fan called 'Starfish' who I think has recently separated/divorced, wants to know if , in my humble opinion, she can be considered to be "re-virginised" after only having sex about four times in seven years.

HELL, YES SWEETIE! ....and that's a really good thing, read on.

You see, I've been secretly joking for years that by the time a woman has gone without sex for a few years or more, she shouldn't be considered frigid or past it. Au contraire! It's probably healed over 'down there' and she should be considered a 'Born Again Virgin' and, boy are these BAV women dangerous.

Firstly, there's all that pent-up sexual energy just waiting to be released. Then there's the fact that these women have probably been in a miserable relationship (cos they've not been getting any for starters, as well as dealing with loads of other shit) and are just bursting at the seams to have someone show them some loving, physical attention. Add to this that women who find themselves in this situation and single again, are generally in the age bracket where they're considered to be in their sexual prime and BINGO they're suddenly, footloose, fancy-free and hot stuff!

Also, Starfish - and here's the icing on the cake - you've reached this wonderful status of the BAV in an era where it's far more socially acceptable to go find yourself a younger man! So stuff the old bugger that you were with and go for a younger version. I was amazed and stunned when I became single again and got continually propositioned by outrageously young men. First I thought that it was all a joke, but seriously the number of young men wanting to hook up with older women is unbelievable.

Actually, a discussion with someone whom I had reprimanded sternly after they'd shocked me with a hot (and unprintable) proposition, made it all very clear. I asked what the hell it was with these young guys who pursued older women. Where they perverts or something? "Well" came the reply, "If you can get yourself a cougar, then you're the man cos it's like a badge of honour, a real education.....you know what I mean?"

I told him to bog-off cos I knew his mother. Which of course I didn't, but he was so young that I might have. Now Starfish, I'm not suggesting that you go off and become Mrs Robinson or give out 'cougar badges' or anything, but hell woman, you could go for something just a snip younger than your last model and do your self-esteem the power of good.

Take it from me, there is nothing quite so good than to be told by some handsome hunk of a younger man that they find you sexy and beautiful. So, rejoice in your Born Again Virgin status and think of it a the re-birth of not only the rest of your life but your sex-life too. Get out there and shine like a star Starfish cos the sky's the limit and you're rocket fuel baby!

OMG.. Fruitloopmum on a Sex Site!

How the bloody hell did that happen?

Call me dumb, but I've not posted nude photos. I've not even advertised for kinky sex HONEST, but somehow I've managed to get my Fruitloopmum blog included on something called "Sexy Adult Posts"!

Oh F***k.

There I was last night congratulating myself on my newly learnt blogging skills. I looked at my reader stats and I looked at the links, and I looked at people who've left nice comments and gave myself a premature pat on the back. Well done Fruitloopmum for launching yourself wholeheartedly into something you knew bugger-all about 8 weeks ago and turning it into something that over 1000 people have enjoyed. Ok, 1000 people is infinitely small in the over all scheme of the blogging world, but it made me feel good - after all, it could have been only 40 hits....all from my mum.

Then, like any good ageing marketing guru, I Googled myself to see what that threw-up.....

Wow. I was really pleased that BBC online had picked up a couple of my posts (not sure how that happened either but I was chuffed ) Then, I scrolled down the Google page and lo and behold, Fruitloopmum is there on Sexy Adult Posts! Of course, I just had to click on the link and see what this site was.......

Well, if you're remotely interested, and to save you all the trouble of looking yourself, let me put it this way; I'm after a salacious picture of a beautiful young girl doing something odd with an ice pack, a link to 'Katy Perry topless: real or fake?' and somewhere just below the One Stop Porn Shop. I was speechless and confused because the Fruitloop posts that this site features are???

Is Chivalry Dead? and Update, Update - I mean, come on guys, you could've at least picked Vaginal Smoking. That I might have understood!

So, I'm not sure whether this is a coup or a catastrophe for Fruitloopmum, but it's back to the drawing board in my self-taught quest to understand how search engines categorise and produce links. In the meantime, I shall continue to write my innocently humorous little blogs containing swearing, indiscretions and body parts because 'FRUITLOOPMUM IS INNOCENT' OK?

One thing I know for sure though.....that nice mummy blogging site that I joined?......I reckon I'll get a ban any day now. And as for my future prospects of attracting sponsors? Well, I could always go for sex toy manufacturers.

PS ...Watch this space to see where this little post ends up featuring cos it sure as hell wont get picked up by the women's knitting circle. Oh, and give me your vote in the comments section because I'm innocent right?

Vaginal Smoking...have I missed something??

I bloody well choked on my coffee yesterday as my dear friend asked in a conspiratorial whisper "Hey, have you ever come across vaginal smoking?"

I mean, WTF?

There we were, having a long-awaited catch-up after 3 days abstinence and she's asking me about smoking vaginas??? We were in a coffee shop, not a bloody sex shop. I quickly had a look around to see if anyone had heard her. Couldn't really tell. Several people were all looking at me snorting coffee at 3 in the afternoon though. Oh well.

My brain immediately leapt understandably to sex.

"Smoke from dry friction you mean? No, can't say that I've ever had that problem!"

"No, no, I came across the term yesterday on a website when I was booking my trip to Indonesia"

"Oh, that explains it. It must be some sort of trick, you know like those girls who fire ping-pong balls from their fanny's as entertainment for tourists!"

At this point I had a mental picture of a woman with a glowing pack of twenty between her legs making smoke rings with her vagina. I also had coffee all down the front of my shirt and tears down my cheeks. I was getting stared at.

"No, no, no that can't be it. Must be something else..... they only offer it at high-class establishments. I saw it mentioned on The Four Seasons website"

My mind then wandered to poor unfortunate women so addicted to smoking that they had deviated to using a second orifice and the practice, obviously being socially unacceptable required rehab in expensive establishments.

"Can't they use bloody nicotine patches or something? It's unbelievable, I can't believe that neither of us has ever heard of this before"

Both my friend and I consider ourselves to be intelligent, women of the world. Why wouldn't we have heard about this practice? How could we have missed it?

"Funnily enough, it came up under spa treatments. Someone called Martha swears by it"

SMOKING is bad for your health. We all know that. It's a nasty, smelly, socially unacceptable habit. And as a reformed smoker of ten years or so I hate the smell, it makes me want to gag.

"Don't tell me you're going to try it for godsake.....you've been trying to give up for months!"

At this point one of the kind staff approached our table and offered a damp cloth to wipe my shirt down. Actually I think that she just wanted to get a better handle on our conversation cos she loitered a little longer than required. We decided to take our leave and walk to the school yard to collect our offspring. I had a brainwave.

Google: Vaginal Smoking Indonesia BRILLIANT!!

As we reached the schoolyard the answer popped up on my iPhone. Apparently, the practice comes from Java and is considered a traditional treatment before marriage. It is supposed to cleanse and disinfect the vagina.

Unfortunately I then got a crystal clear image of someone in a beekeepers outfit with one of those smokers puffing it up your you-know-what like they smoke beehives. We were both laughing uncontrollably by now, supporting each other as we walked across the schoolyard like a couple of drunks. Heads turned, tongues tutted, but it was only the usual humourless suspects.

As other parents saw us approaching in our juvenile hysterics one smiled and said " Ok, whatever it is, I'm sure we'll read about it tomorrow"

I couldn't resist......"Yep, and if she comes back from her holiday next week smelling like a bloody ham, then I'm writing about that too!"

Care home v's Granny Flat....It's a no brainer!

Here's a true story that I just had to share with you all since I heard it yesterday....and the lady concerned hadn't even read my post "What's in your genes"!

Yesterday I was introduced to this charming, vivacious lady who I had the pleasure of spending most of the day sailing with. At the end of the afternoon whilst we were sitting enjoying a celebratory glass of wine we had the following conversation:

Her: Well, my mother lived has with us in her own granny flat until recently, but now we're considering care homes.

Me: That's a hard one isn't it. My older children keep threatening me with a care home.... How did the granny flat work out for you all?

Her: It was great for a few years, you know, while mum was independent and active. It was nice that she could entertain and live her life independently knowing that we were just downstairs if she ever needed us.

Me: Sounds like a perfect solution when you have someone who's active and you just need to keep a caring eye on them.

Her: Yes, it generally worked out well except for the time when I was making breakfast one morning and I could hear some odd noises coming from upstairs. I was very concerned. I could hear this groaning and gasping. I dropped what I was doing and ran upstairs utterly convinced that she was suffering a heart attack or similar.

Me: God, how awful, did you get there in time?

Her: Oh yes. I got to her door with the phone in my hand ready to call an ambulance. As I got there I called out "Mum are you alright?, don't worry, I'm calling an ambulance' because there was still this godawful groaning going on. Suddenly the noise stopped and she cheerily called out " I'm fine darling, I just have a friend visiting that's all"

By now this lady's story had me crying into my wine with laughter. The tears were streaming down my cheeks.

Me: Can I ask, how old was your mum when this happened?

My new acquaintance took a calming sip of wine and between teeth that were clenched with what I think was embarrassment uttered: Seventy five.

Note to my children: If you're reading this, forget the care home idea. When the time comes I shall insist on a granny flat with sound proofing.

Anti-ageing tips that really work!

Hey, as you may suspect if you read my blog, I'm all for growing old disgracefully. I mean, why should the all the fun in life stop just because you've got a few wrinkles?

However, whilst embarking on growing old disgracefully, I've come up with a few of my own anti-aging tips that really do work. Guys...you might like to skip to the end paragraph right now. I've written a bit especially for you. This first bit is strictly for the girls only.....we don't want to give our secrets away do we?

Girlie Tips

- Do the upside down mirror test. You know, the one where you place the mirror on the floor then look down into it. If you frighten yourself stupid, then here's my first tip. Do not, no matter how much you may love it, ever, ever do the girl-on-top position any more! Well, not unless your guy is blindfolded. Result -5 years off your real age. Sky's the limit with the blindfold!

- When naked, never, ever lay sideways if your boobs and/or belly end up in your armpit or on your bed. By the way, this also applies to on the beach or at the pool! Your body may look absolutely stunning when upright - don't spoil the illusion! - Result - 5-7 years off your real age.

- Go for an exhilarating adrenaline rush. Anything naughty that scares you rigid and puts colour into your cheeks will do. I can highly recommend climbing behind a young, leather-clad Adonis and riding motorbike pillion at alarming speeds. Guaranteed to take 10 years off initially. Results however are short-lived.

- Always wear absolutely stunningly, sexy underwear. Knowing that beneath your trackies or old jeans you're wearing drop-dead sexy underwear puts a huge spring in your step and a youthful twinkle in the eye.

- Adopt a 'zero tolerance' policy on grey pubes. Get rid of the buggers whatever it takes! You may have successfully camouflaged the ones on your head so for god's sake don't give the game away down there!

- Always wear one item of clothing that you bought in a shop for 20 year-olds just so long as it's not a short skirt okay? One current trend item or accessory is guaranteed to make you look hip and cool without anyone muttering "mint sauce" in the school yard.

- Forget punishing yourself at the gym. Go for the home love-in! Infinitely more fun and great aerobic exercise. Other benefits include oxygenated skin and a smile that can take years off.

- Finally, I've recently discovered the awesome, super-cool www.bellamumma.com for the really girlie stuff that makes us feel good.

Guy Tips

- Underwear. I'll say no more, but if you're still sporting the same style of underwear that you wore ten years ago then sort it dude! It'll make you feel hip and cool and less like your grandpa. Result - 5 years (when you take your clothes off)

- Hair suddenly sprouting in places other than your head is not a youthful look. Remove offending hair immediately no matter how much pain you have to endure in the process. Warning: do not pluck your eyebrows unless you think the gay, surprised look will suit you. Trim the damn things with scissors.

- Man boobs and beer bellies. Do I need to say more? Just this once, have a quick look at girlie tip number two.

- No matter what, stay away from slippers! I don't care how bloody cold it is never, ever succumb to 'the lure of the slipper'. Get some thick socks, wear soft-soled runners...I can guarantee you'll put 15 years onto your age if you go anywhere near the suckers!

- Play the sport, don't watch it! And if you're too damn old to play footie or rugby then take up rock-climbing or anything that gets the old adrenaline pumping. The years will fall away once you get off the sofa.

- Hair. If you don't have any on your head, then pleeeeease, don't pretend that you do! Shave the remaining wisps off and go for the sexy, virile look. I guarantee you'll look at least 2 years younger. That back-combed, trained stuff that defies the laws of science wont cut it. Speaking of which, if you're still going to the same barber/hairdresser that you were ten years ago. Sort that too!

Well, Fruitloop has spoken! Let me have your thoughts via the comment box and any other tips we can all share and giggle about.

What's in your genes?

I have to say, I was shocked.

Bemused and embarrassed came close, but shocked was a more apt description of my feelings when I realised that my mum had lived a secret life.

She'd managed to keep a lid on the whole thing until I was about 35. There was I thinking that my mum, that sweet, quiet, gentle woman who had raised my brother and I, was just an average, much-loved, run-of-the-mill, mum and grandma. You know, the type you see portrayed in nice family TV shows. But, oooh no....One fateful night I discovered that beneath that quiet, unassuming exterior was a sexy, sassy, fun-loving, hell-raising, bloody maverick! So forget Carol Brady in the Brady Bunch and think Patsy from Ab Fab.....

Actually, in retrospect I should have realised that something didn't quite add up. As a child I remember being sent home from school to change because my outfit was distracting the class. It was about 1969 and mum had made me a dress with little hippy bells on. Then there was the case of the black PVC hotpants....yeah, let's not go there. Oh, and of course those friends of hers. As a child, you tend not to evaluate or judge adults too much but thinking back now 'eclectic and left-of-centre' would be a bit of an understatement!

So back to the fateful night of the revelation.......

After 30 years I met up with a childhood friend who had lived next-door to us in the 70's. We picked up where we had left off and even settled an old argument about those coveted Chopper Bikes. Anyway, we decided that it would be a fantastic idea to get our mums together too as they had been quite good mates back then. Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!

What subsequently followed was an evening of hilarious reminiscing in such intimate detail between two 60 year olds, that the conversation on adjacent tables stopped so that they could enjoy the entertainment. My friend and I were appalled. Highly entertained, but appalled by our mother's revelations. Their stories featured police raids, parties, joints, unsavoury characters, hair-raising antics, and as for the sex.....Well, I mean, you just don't like to think of your mum having a sex life at all do you? Let alone a better one than you've had! We decided to frog-march the pair outside when as a finale, they began discussing oral sex. Enough was enough.

So, what am I saying here?

Well, I guess my point is this: Until the age of 35 I thought that I was the only sexy, sassy, fun-loving, hell-raising fruitloop in the family.... Funny that.

Post Script - provided by my brother via Facebook last night.

"Sis, mum just drove us back to the airport. On the way I asked about the old friend of hers that she'd taken the kids (my niece and nephew) to visit in Soho yesterday. Mum said "Yes, he played the piano for them, but I think he only smokes the occasional joint now, and of course he is gay!!" I just sat in the back of the car in stunned silence....and you wonder where you get it from?"

PPS. For those who have done the math....my mum is into her seventies!