Why children can't be PC

I have this little problem.

My children haven't yet learned to be politically correct. Well, they're only five and six years old so I suppose the political part is bollocks anyway. Combine this with the usual age-related fascination with bodily parts and functions and yep.... it's pretty much a recipe for bloody disaster! My youngest is the worse offender, especially anything that involves bums,willy's, boobs, skin colour, race and such like. She's like a dog with a bone.Trouble is, she has a rather wickedly good sense of humour.

I have a good friend who is black, and until recently I hadn't even thought about my children's reaction to skin colour because the subject has never come up. Well not until she opened the door to him one night recently and blurted out " Oh it's you, I couldn't see you outside in the dark!" Now, I'm sure that she's never even heard the joke and thank god he wasn't offended, but I wanted the floor to open up. I'm sure you all know the feeling. Anyway, it actually got worse because later that evening I had to stop her following him to the bathroom. I patiently explained that it's not polite to follow guests to the bathroom (even though in our house we three girls all barge in on each other). The little minx looked me in the eye and replied oh-so-matter-of-factly "But mum, I only wanted to check what colour willy he has!"....

Here's her latest repertoire of social faux-pars.

Last week the little darling gleefully informed me that she "could see the postman's hairy bum". He was handing me my post at the time. Actually we could both see the postman's bum because he'd dropped a letter, bent down to retrieve it and exposed rather more than one might have wished over the top of his trousers. Damn it, I will now have to wear a wig and sunglasses when visiting the village post office.

Then this week she asked the new and really nice, shy young barista in our local cafe what colour underpants he was wearing! He went a strange shade of puce and handed me my coffee with a look of complete terror dancing about his face. I strongly suspect he may have been going commando - but that's pure conjecture on my part. Thank god I'd ordered a take-away I thought as I swiftly frog-marched her outside to run through the rules of social decorum yet again. Trouble is, that I just know from the look in her eye that this time the question she posed was not an innocent enquiry. Oh no. The twinkle of mischief in her eye gave it all away. She knew exactly how embarrassing she was being.

Last Sunday, I really thought we had reached a turning point. The three of us had been invited out to sail on a friends boat. Now I crew regularly on this boat with a really lovely guy - who has only one leg........ What to do? The girls really wanted to sail. I really wanted to sail. But could I trust the little one NOT to mention the leg?? I briefed both of them fully. Do as you are told, always hold on with one hand, stay away from the boom and for god's sake DONT MENTION THE BLOODY MISSING LEG! Both nodded sagely in agreement. We went sailing. They were both perfectly behaved all day - an absolute credit. I was so proud of them. As we moored the boat and were walking back along the jetty with the rest of the crew at the end of the day I told them how proud I was. The little one looked up at me beaming with pride and said in her loudest voice "Does that mean I can ask to look at his missing leg now then?"

Today though, I think she truly hit her peak. We had been standing watching a group of surfers going through their paces in the surf. A little later they got out of the water and walked past myself and my daughters on their way to dry off. My youngest had been watching very intently, and with perfect timing as they passed by she blurted out "Mum, how does that man with the great big willy get it inside his wet suit?"

It's all our own fault. You see, we tell our children to always tell the truth. We teach our children to be inquisitive, to learn and be creative. THAT"S WHY LITTLE KIDS CANT POSSIBLY BE PC.

Anti-ageing tips that really work!

Hey, as you may suspect if you read my blog, I'm all for growing old disgracefully. I mean, why should the all the fun in life stop just because you've got a few wrinkles?

However, whilst embarking on growing old disgracefully, I've come up with a few of my own anti-aging tips that really do work. Guys...you might like to skip to the end paragraph right now. I've written a bit especially for you. This first bit is strictly for the girls only.....we don't want to give our secrets away do we?

Girlie Tips

- Do the upside down mirror test. You know, the one where you place the mirror on the floor then look down into it. If you frighten yourself stupid, then here's my first tip. Do not, no matter how much you may love it, ever, ever do the girl-on-top position any more! Well, not unless your guy is blindfolded. Result -5 years off your real age. Sky's the limit with the blindfold!

- When naked, never, ever lay sideways if your boobs and/or belly end up in your armpit or on your bed. By the way, this also applies to on the beach or at the pool! Your body may look absolutely stunning when upright - don't spoil the illusion! - Result - 5-7 years off your real age.

- Go for an exhilarating adrenaline rush. Anything naughty that scares you rigid and puts colour into your cheeks will do. I can highly recommend climbing behind a young, leather-clad Adonis and riding motorbike pillion at alarming speeds. Guaranteed to take 10 years off initially. Results however are short-lived.

- Always wear absolutely stunningly, sexy underwear. Knowing that beneath your trackies or old jeans you're wearing drop-dead sexy underwear puts a huge spring in your step and a youthful twinkle in the eye.

- Adopt a 'zero tolerance' policy on grey pubes. Get rid of the buggers whatever it takes! You may have successfully camouflaged the ones on your head so for god's sake don't give the game away down there!

- Always wear one item of clothing that you bought in a shop for 20 year-olds just so long as it's not a short skirt okay? One current trend item or accessory is guaranteed to make you look hip and cool without anyone muttering "mint sauce" in the school yard.

- Forget punishing yourself at the gym. Go for the home love-in! Infinitely more fun and great aerobic exercise. Other benefits include oxygenated skin and a smile that can take years off.

- Finally, I've recently discovered the awesome, super-cool www.bellamumma.com for the really girlie stuff that makes us feel good.

Guy Tips

- Underwear. I'll say no more, but if you're still sporting the same style of underwear that you wore ten years ago then sort it dude! It'll make you feel hip and cool and less like your grandpa. Result - 5 years (when you take your clothes off)

- Hair suddenly sprouting in places other than your head is not a youthful look. Remove offending hair immediately no matter how much pain you have to endure in the process. Warning: do not pluck your eyebrows unless you think the gay, surprised look will suit you. Trim the damn things with scissors.

- Man boobs and beer bellies. Do I need to say more? Just this once, have a quick look at girlie tip number two.

- No matter what, stay away from slippers! I don't care how bloody cold it is never, ever succumb to 'the lure of the slipper'. Get some thick socks, wear soft-soled runners...I can guarantee you'll put 15 years onto your age if you go anywhere near the suckers!

- Play the sport, don't watch it! And if you're too damn old to play footie or rugby then take up rock-climbing or anything that gets the old adrenaline pumping. The years will fall away once you get off the sofa.

- Hair. If you don't have any on your head, then pleeeeease, don't pretend that you do! Shave the remaining wisps off and go for the sexy, virile look. I guarantee you'll look at least 2 years younger. That back-combed, trained stuff that defies the laws of science wont cut it. Speaking of which, if you're still going to the same barber/hairdresser that you were ten years ago. Sort that too!

Well, Fruitloop has spoken! Let me have your thoughts via the comment box and any other tips we can all share and giggle about.