Vaginal Smoking...have I missed something??

I bloody well choked on my coffee yesterday as my dear friend asked in a conspiratorial whisper "Hey, have you ever come across vaginal smoking?"

I mean, WTF?

There we were, having a long-awaited catch-up after 3 days abstinence and she's asking me about smoking vaginas??? We were in a coffee shop, not a bloody sex shop. I quickly had a look around to see if anyone had heard her. Couldn't really tell. Several people were all looking at me snorting coffee at 3 in the afternoon though. Oh well.

My brain immediately leapt understandably to sex.

"Smoke from dry friction you mean? No, can't say that I've ever had that problem!"

"No, no, I came across the term yesterday on a website when I was booking my trip to Indonesia"

"Oh, that explains it. It must be some sort of trick, you know like those girls who fire ping-pong balls from their fanny's as entertainment for tourists!"

At this point I had a mental picture of a woman with a glowing pack of twenty between her legs making smoke rings with her vagina. I also had coffee all down the front of my shirt and tears down my cheeks. I was getting stared at.

"No, no, no that can't be it. Must be something else..... they only offer it at high-class establishments. I saw it mentioned on The Four Seasons website"

My mind then wandered to poor unfortunate women so addicted to smoking that they had deviated to using a second orifice and the practice, obviously being socially unacceptable required rehab in expensive establishments.

"Can't they use bloody nicotine patches or something? It's unbelievable, I can't believe that neither of us has ever heard of this before"

Both my friend and I consider ourselves to be intelligent, women of the world. Why wouldn't we have heard about this practice? How could we have missed it?

"Funnily enough, it came up under spa treatments. Someone called Martha swears by it"

SMOKING is bad for your health. We all know that. It's a nasty, smelly, socially unacceptable habit. And as a reformed smoker of ten years or so I hate the smell, it makes me want to gag.

"Don't tell me you're going to try it for godsake.....you've been trying to give up for months!"

At this point one of the kind staff approached our table and offered a damp cloth to wipe my shirt down. Actually I think that she just wanted to get a better handle on our conversation cos she loitered a little longer than required. We decided to take our leave and walk to the school yard to collect our offspring. I had a brainwave.

Google: Vaginal Smoking Indonesia BRILLIANT!!

As we reached the schoolyard the answer popped up on my iPhone. Apparently, the practice comes from Java and is considered a traditional treatment before marriage. It is supposed to cleanse and disinfect the vagina.

Unfortunately I then got a crystal clear image of someone in a beekeepers outfit with one of those smokers puffing it up your you-know-what like they smoke beehives. We were both laughing uncontrollably by now, supporting each other as we walked across the schoolyard like a couple of drunks. Heads turned, tongues tutted, but it was only the usual humourless suspects.

As other parents saw us approaching in our juvenile hysterics one smiled and said " Ok, whatever it is, I'm sure we'll read about it tomorrow"

I couldn't resist......"Yep, and if she comes back from her holiday next week smelling like a bloody ham, then I'm writing about that too!"

Internet Dating - read between the lines!!

Isn't it great to have friends?

I have to say, I'm blessed with many wonderful friends. Having moved to a different hemisphere, where I had no family, my friends have become just like family bless them. They have supported me physically and emotionally, made me laugh, made me scream, made me cry. I love them all. Yep, they're more like family than family, but at least I got to choose them. They look out for me, they give sound, collective advice.... which leads me to the real gist of this post. I can rely on my friends to tell it like it is and comment on absolutely anything.

So, first, I get an urgent text message a few days ago from one friend telling me to check out a certain profile on a certain internet dating site. Apparently, this profile had popped-up as a possible match for her. The minute she saw the picture she just HAD to alert me. That clever little software programme that those dating sites employ had matched her with The Psychopath! Holy sh**t. I think she cancelled her membership on the spot citing she wasn't going to join "NuttersRus"

Then, I can only assume that this hot little nugget of information spread like wildfire among my other friends because within a few hours I received this email from another friend:

Hi babe, I've checked out *****'s profile. Not sure about the non-smoker since he smokes like a f***ing chimney. Divorced? well, you've been trying to divorce him for a few months and he keeps stopping it. Not sure if he wants more children? Didn't he have that last girlfriend on IVF after only a few weeks? Oh and his use of 999 in the profile? Well that's a classic. All I can say is we all know the bastard has narcissistic personality disorder, so the bugger must have mistaken the sign of the devil 666 in that bloody mirror of his.

Profile reads intelligent, loyal and caring. Hey, that's a really clever way to describe psychopathic mastermind, stalker and control freak. Seriously, it's all about the nuts. He's got balls, but not nuts, and he only uses them for hitting women and frightening children. Not for rescuing damsels in distress or doing good deeds. He hides the nuts. You want the nuts. Most of the village is now out to get his nuts. Quite frankly, he is nuts. Now we all need nutcrackers and are joining dating sites full of nuts. Seems that life is all about bloody nuts.

Think I'll ponder that while I enjoy my cashews xxx

That email arrived on a day when things were looking pretty grim. It made me laughed so hard I got stared at in the cafe where I had gone to try to do some work. It's a good job that I live in a small community and everyone knows I'm nuts. Well, in a zany, loveable sort of way.

So, the moral of my little post is this. If any of you are internet dating, for gods sake read those profiles and then imagine that they've been written by a mastermind spin doctor....You have to read between the lines!

And thank your lucky stars for your friends. Mine are the best. God bless them.