Who is Fruitloopmum?

They seek her here,

They seek her there,

Those readers seek her everywhere,

Is she loopy or just plain dumb?

That damned elusive Fruitloopmum!

Hi Fruitloop fans. I got a polite but terse email over the weekend requesting that I submit my photo for inclusion on a mummy's blogging site. Uh-oh, sorry guy's no can do. Well at least not a real photo of me anyway. There are some very good reasons for this, and they're pretty obvious to anyone who reads my posts:

- I have recently made a dramatic and long-awaited escape from a psychopathic husband and have actually been writing humorous posts about him. Yeah, that pretty much confirms the loopy part of me. Probably not a good idea that he finds out about this though. You've all seen the film "Sleeping with the Enemy" right? Well admittedly, I haven't actually had to fake my own death (I just managed a disappearing act that David Copperfield would have been proud of - along with half the furniture one day) but that film is pretty close to my story. However, I don't want to fake my own death just yet. I've only just re-discovered fun, love and laughter.

- Even if I managed to escape the physical attentions of said psycho, I can guarantee that I'd be in court for defamation quick as. See, although many people have witnessed said psycho's behaviour, he's oh so desperate to make everyone think he's normal. My defence would be that I haven't written anything that is untrue, and I have the paperwork to prove it! But, I've been in court more times than the f**ing bathroom in the last few years thanks to this bugger, and I really don't fancy any further courtrooms just yet, thank you.

- Here's another really good reason for not identifying myself.....My posts are absolutely FULL of swearing, sex and body parts. In real life, I actually look like a sweet, innocent, yummy mummy. Hell, most of my casual acquaintances would be mortified if they knew about the real me. I would probably be barred from the parents association, the library and the women's knitting circle if they knew I was Fruitloopmum.

Okay, so my close friends and some of my family are aware of my identity, but I reckon they love me warts, wicked indiscretions and all ,and they're not likely to dob me in to The Psychopath or the school committee, but I still have to be careful. So, my apologies to anyone who is remotely interested, but I will not be posting my picture or revealing my identity any time soon. You'll have to make do with some colourful fruit loops. Come to think about it, I'll probably be barred from the nice mummy blogging site anyway once they actually read my blog!