Confessions of a fruitloop

"Mum, what about that time you shaved dad's eyebrow off? Or, when you stuck prawns under the bonnet of his car and it took him weeks to work out what the stench was?"

"Yes, but he deserved it!"

... I'd sort of forgotten the pranks that I used to get up to with my first husband. The trouble was, he was a bit of a prankster himself and during an argument he always had to have the last word. Now, as every women will tell you, from a female perspective, that's way too frustrating. So, to vent my frustration I would dream up the most creative retributions. The longer we were married, the more creative my pranks became until the thirteenth year of our marriage....better known as 'the year of the eyebrow' where I think I went just a tinsy bit too far!

In my defence though, my first husband was pretty good at pranks too. His absolute best was getting me out of the shower to answer the door to him under the guise of loosing his house keys. Now, we lived in London at the time on a busy commuter road. So, dripping wet and swearing profusely, I opened the door with nothing but a towel wrapped around me.

Swiftly and expertly, and with the grace and guile of a stage magician, he stepped inside, swiped the towel away, manoeuvred me onto the doorstep and closed the door! To this day I don't think I have ever moved so fast. Covering my bits with my hands, I sprinted across the front garden and spent the next fifteen minutes hiding in a hedge bordering the roadside with commuter traffic only a few feet away whilst he made faces at me from an upstairs window. Bastard!

The Prankster and I divorced amicably many years ago. In fact, he 's probably reading this blog right now and laughing his head off. Now, my wonderful 'fruitloop logic' told me that I should try a sensible, reliable individual next time around, even if that did equal boring. So, fast forward a few years and by a complete mistake, I somehow managed to marry The Psychopath.....see my archive post.

Now, I blame that film 'The War of the Roses' with Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner, for giving me some really naughty ideas. Let's have some sympathy here.....Living with a psychopath is infinitely more frustrating than a living with a prankster. Yeah, yeah, I know. Playing pranks on a psychopath is pretty mad and very dangerous. That's when that film popped back into my head.....Think dog food pie, toothbrushes to clean toilets, laxatives in coffee, itching powder in underpants........Enough. Enough.

Eventually, I popped in and very quietly confessed all to The Psychopaths' psychologist, seriously fearing that I too was beginning to lose the plot. Guess what?

Yep, I got complete absolution! It would seem that cleaning the toilet with a psychopath's toothbrush is completely normal.......