Hey, as you may suspect if you read my blog, I'm all for growing old disgracefully. I mean, why should the all the fun in life stop just because you've got a few wrinkles?
However, whilst embarking on growing old disgracefully, I've come up with a few of my own anti-aging tips that really do work. Guys...you might like to skip to the end paragraph right now. I've written a bit especially for you. This first bit is strictly for the girls only.....we don't want to give our secrets away do we?
Girlie Tips
- Do the upside down mirror test. You know, the one where you place the mirror on the floor then look down into it. If you frighten yourself stupid, then here's my first tip. Do not, no matter how much you may love it, ever, ever do the girl-on-top position any more! Well, not unless your guy is blindfolded. Result -5 years off your real age. Sky's the limit with the blindfold!
- When naked, never, ever lay sideways if your boobs and/or belly end up in your armpit or on your bed. By the way, this also applies to on the beach or at the pool! Your body may look absolutely stunning when upright - don't spoil the illusion! - Result - 5-7 years off your real age.
- Go for an exhilarating adrenaline rush. Anything naughty that scares you rigid and puts colour into your cheeks will do. I can highly recommend climbing behind a young, leather-clad Adonis and riding motorbike pillion at alarming speeds. Guaranteed to take 10 years off initially. Results however are short-lived.
- Always wear absolutely stunningly, sexy underwear. Knowing that beneath your trackies or old jeans you're wearing drop-dead sexy underwear puts a huge spring in your step and a youthful twinkle in the eye.
- Adopt a 'zero tolerance' policy on grey pubes. Get rid of the buggers whatever it takes! You may have successfully camouflaged the ones on your head so for god's sake don't give the game away down there!
- Always wear one item of clothing that you bought in a shop for 20 year-olds just so long as it's not a short skirt okay? One current trend item or accessory is guaranteed to make you look hip and cool without anyone muttering "mint sauce" in the school yard.
- Forget punishing yourself at the gym. Go for the home love-in! Infinitely more fun and great aerobic exercise. Other benefits include oxygenated skin and a smile that can take years off.
- Finally, I've recently discovered the awesome, super-cool www.bellamumma.com for the really girlie stuff that makes us feel good.
Guy Tips
- Underwear. I'll say no more, but if you're still sporting the same style of underwear that you wore ten years ago then sort it dude! It'll make you feel hip and cool and less like your grandpa. Result - 5 years (when you take your clothes off)
- Hair suddenly sprouting in places other than your head is not a youthful look. Remove offending hair immediately no matter how much pain you have to endure in the process. Warning: do not pluck your eyebrows unless you think the gay, surprised look will suit you. Trim the damn things with scissors.
- Man boobs and beer bellies. Do I need to say more? Just this once, have a quick look at girlie tip number two.
- No matter what, stay away from slippers! I don't care how bloody cold it is never, ever succumb to 'the lure of the slipper'. Get some thick socks, wear soft-soled runners...I can guarantee you'll put 15 years onto your age if you go anywhere near the suckers!
- Play the sport, don't watch it! And if you're too damn old to play footie or rugby then take up rock-climbing or anything that gets the old adrenaline pumping. The years will fall away once you get off the sofa.
- Hair. If you don't have any on your head, then pleeeeease, don't pretend that you do! Shave the remaining wisps off and go for the sexy, virile look. I guarantee you'll look at least 2 years younger. That back-combed, trained stuff that defies the laws of science wont cut it. Speaking of which, if you're still going to the same barber/hairdresser that you were ten years ago. Sort that too!
Well, Fruitloop has spoken! Let me have your thoughts via the comment box and any other tips we can all share and giggle about.
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