Divorce can be wonderful

I am in celebratory mood. Divorce can be a sad and stressful time for may people, but for this particular fruitloop it's a cause for much celebration.

Hands up anyone who's tried to divorce a narcissistic psychopath. OK, so in the absence of my being able to actually see you right now, I guess I should give the heads-up for anyone who suspects that they're married to one and wondering how to achieve such a mind-blowing coup.

Rule Number One:

Just remember, you can't divorce a narcissistic psycho, they wont let you. Use reverse psychology. Apply for a divorce. Wait about 8 weeks before they slap an anti-suit injunction on you. Haha! that's a good one, because they don't want you to divorce them, they have to divorce you.

Rule Number Two:

Be damn sure you have money to burn. I'm talking eye-wateringly, serious amounts of money that could be used for something far more constructive like your children's education or your shrink bills. You'll need the best lawyer you can afford. Firstly, because you have to deal with someone who is more cunning than a friggin weasel and has the charm of one of those guys who do tricks with a snake in a basket. You simply must have a lawyer who's got teeth and balls. Frisk the bugger's crotch and ask him to open his mouth. I'M SERIOUS. We all know though, that lawyers with a full set of teeth and mammoth balls don't come cheap.

Secondly, remember... the psycho will always try to out-do you. They simply have to have the best lawyer. It's a matter of entitlement. So, you can't be caught with your pants down and relying on the legal skills of a toothless, impotent, eunuch when he wheels in the big guns.

Rule Number Three:

Patience. Be prepared for the longest, most acrimonious, frustrating, expensive, divorce and settlement in f**ing history. The narcissistic psycho will get these expensive lawyers to communicate about all possible minutiae from weekly letters regarding access to the dog, to a spreadsheet showing who owns the contents of the bloody refrigerator. I jest not! Oh, and you'll need to sort out that anti-suit injunction.

Rule Number Four:

Keep your marbles intact. There will be times when you get to read and respond to their 100th solemnly sworn affidavit, and you'll wonder if you've lost the plot. These things are amazingly convincing works of fiction, and reading them will make you want to vomit...you'll probably want to slit your wrists too! DONT. Sure, they'll contain a grain of truth, but the truth will be so twisted that you'll doubt your own sanity. Reach for the diary, the photographic evidence, the forensic accounting report and the bloody Valium....but keep your marbles intact.

Rule Number Five:

When the decree absolute comes through, and he sends you a pompous message reading "I find it so very pleasing that I have finally stopped your divorce and divorced you" .......f**ing well CELEBRATE! You will be finally free of the bastard.

Today, I celebrated with a spot of fly posting around the village. This weekend I am having an enormous party.

BECAUSE DIVORCE IS EXPENSIVE..... BUT FREEDOM IS PRICELESS!

The Chill Pill - your essential daily supplement

It's been one helluva day.

Actually, it's been a helluva week....and it's only Wednesday.

Sound familiar? Yep, I bet that there are a whole bunch of you out there in cyberspace who can relate to, and probably even surpass the kind of stress levels found in the bra straps of a double F cup. Ok, that was a childish euphemism but you know what I mean.....

Whether it's trying to multi-task to the point where you end up with your head so far up your own backside that you've forgotten what week it is, or whether your stress levels stem from something difficult happening in your life, the end result seems to somehow be the same. We seem to lose sight of the bigger picture and become embarrassingly introspective. So now my lovely readers, I'm going to tell you all about me and my week so far cos I just know you're dying to know!

Yeah, yeah, I'm being deliberately and embarrassingly introspective but indulge me for a moment. Firstly, this week the five and six-year-old have finally mastered the art of squabbling and got it down to a fine art. Each session swiftly reaches a crescendo both in terms of volume and flaying of arms and feet, followed by a dramatic finale which generally has me running for an ice-pack as they try to knock seven bells out of each other. And my two are girls! Secondly, this scenario tends to kick-off before we've left the house or even better....in the back of the car on the way to school.

Thirdly, there is never anywhere to park when we get into the village because I'm always too bloody late to bag a space having dealt with the morning's shenanigans whilst multi-tasking (making packed lunches, finding lost socks, homework etc, etc...you know the score). Finding a parking space then becomes a competitive sport with the kids in the back shouting "Mum, mum, I've just seen a lady holding her car keys!" or "Quick, over there - reversing lights! ooh too late"

Then, having deposited one child at school and on my two lucky days each week, the other at pre-school (cos I get to go to the toilet unaccompanied on those days) I admit, I head for the favoured coffee shop. It's generally conveniently placed somewhere between where I finally managed to park the car and the school. I love this coffee shop. Not because they make great coffee - which they do - but because I love the staff. When I walk in and request a Vodka-Valium-Latte with no sugar, no-one bats a bloody eyelid! In fact, some mornings they'll have the thing ready for me before I sit down.

Ok. I think I'm giving you the gist and you're all nodding sagely because you're there with me one way or another (even if you're commuting into your job and the stress levels are different because they involve dealing with adults who behave like children in commuter traffic) Yep, and we've only got through the first few hours of our day....

I then try to multi-task by checking my emails, bank balance and daily horoscope on the good 'ol iPhone whist sipping on my Vodka-Vallium-Latte. I need to do this because without fail there are always 10-13 daily emails from the ex which require heavy sedation before reading, an unplanned overdraft to contemplate and musings from Madame Destiny warning me that someone has been dishonest financially and requires pulling into line....no shit! Generally I then manage to lose the dog. Well not loose him exactly just misplace him. Twice this week (and remember it's only Wednesday) I've either forgotten where I tied him or yesterday actually driven off without him. Of course I didn't get too far. I realised the car didn't stink as much as usual before I reached the end of the road, so I turned back....but guess what? Some bugger had already nabbed my parking space!

It's somewhere around this point that I usually remember to take my chill pill.

I look at myself and I laugh.

So what if my children drive me crazy? I am truly blessed to have them.

So what if life is completely mad at the moment? - at least it's not boring.

So what if I have no money? - it's forced me to be very creative with what little I do have.

So what if I forgot where I parked the dog for a moment? - he has his name tag and at least I always remember the children!

The chill pill is my essential daily supplement. It allows me to get some perspective. Getting some perspective allows me to appreciate what's important in life and thus avoid an expensive medical bill for extracting my head from my backside! It's a proven medical fact - check it out.

Enjoy a chilled rest of week fruitloop followers and remember that essential daily supplement xx