The Chill Pill - your essential daily supplement

It's been one helluva day.

Actually, it's been a helluva week....and it's only Wednesday.

Sound familiar? Yep, I bet that there are a whole bunch of you out there in cyberspace who can relate to, and probably even surpass the kind of stress levels found in the bra straps of a double F cup. Ok, that was a childish euphemism but you know what I mean.....

Whether it's trying to multi-task to the point where you end up with your head so far up your own backside that you've forgotten what week it is, or whether your stress levels stem from something difficult happening in your life, the end result seems to somehow be the same. We seem to lose sight of the bigger picture and become embarrassingly introspective. So now my lovely readers, I'm going to tell you all about me and my week so far cos I just know you're dying to know!

Yeah, yeah, I'm being deliberately and embarrassingly introspective but indulge me for a moment. Firstly, this week the five and six-year-old have finally mastered the art of squabbling and got it down to a fine art. Each session swiftly reaches a crescendo both in terms of volume and flaying of arms and feet, followed by a dramatic finale which generally has me running for an ice-pack as they try to knock seven bells out of each other. And my two are girls! Secondly, this scenario tends to kick-off before we've left the house or even better....in the back of the car on the way to school.

Thirdly, there is never anywhere to park when we get into the village because I'm always too bloody late to bag a space having dealt with the morning's shenanigans whilst multi-tasking (making packed lunches, finding lost socks, homework etc, etc...you know the score). Finding a parking space then becomes a competitive sport with the kids in the back shouting "Mum, mum, I've just seen a lady holding her car keys!" or "Quick, over there - reversing lights! ooh too late"

Then, having deposited one child at school and on my two lucky days each week, the other at pre-school (cos I get to go to the toilet unaccompanied on those days) I admit, I head for the favoured coffee shop. It's generally conveniently placed somewhere between where I finally managed to park the car and the school. I love this coffee shop. Not because they make great coffee - which they do - but because I love the staff. When I walk in and request a Vodka-Valium-Latte with no sugar, no-one bats a bloody eyelid! In fact, some mornings they'll have the thing ready for me before I sit down.

Ok. I think I'm giving you the gist and you're all nodding sagely because you're there with me one way or another (even if you're commuting into your job and the stress levels are different because they involve dealing with adults who behave like children in commuter traffic) Yep, and we've only got through the first few hours of our day....

I then try to multi-task by checking my emails, bank balance and daily horoscope on the good 'ol iPhone whist sipping on my Vodka-Vallium-Latte. I need to do this because without fail there are always 10-13 daily emails from the ex which require heavy sedation before reading, an unplanned overdraft to contemplate and musings from Madame Destiny warning me that someone has been dishonest financially and requires pulling into line....no shit! Generally I then manage to lose the dog. Well not loose him exactly just misplace him. Twice this week (and remember it's only Wednesday) I've either forgotten where I tied him or yesterday actually driven off without him. Of course I didn't get too far. I realised the car didn't stink as much as usual before I reached the end of the road, so I turned back....but guess what? Some bugger had already nabbed my parking space!

It's somewhere around this point that I usually remember to take my chill pill.

I look at myself and I laugh.

So what if my children drive me crazy? I am truly blessed to have them.

So what if life is completely mad at the moment? - at least it's not boring.

So what if I have no money? - it's forced me to be very creative with what little I do have.

So what if I forgot where I parked the dog for a moment? - he has his name tag and at least I always remember the children!

The chill pill is my essential daily supplement. It allows me to get some perspective. Getting some perspective allows me to appreciate what's important in life and thus avoid an expensive medical bill for extracting my head from my backside! It's a proven medical fact - check it out.

Enjoy a chilled rest of week fruitloop followers and remember that essential daily supplement xx

The parable of the psychotic squirrel and his nuts

Help! I am being driven insane by a psychotic squirrel.

It's the guilt you see. My squirrelly offspring keep complaining that they're cold and hungry. Now as any mummy squirrel knows, this type of complaint from your offspring elicits a very strong primal response. I'm bloody determined to find where that bugger has hidden our nuts!

Oh, what to do about that mad daddy squirrel who I so stupidly left in charge of family 'nut duties' while I looked after our baby squirrels? The injustice is killing me. Seriously, his antics are driving me nuts! I keep encountering him scurrying industriously around the tree-tops with his cheeks stuffed to bursting, but I can't seem to catch the slippery bugger.

I've tried to get him to squeak, but his cheeks are so bloody full with booty that he can't utter a single, sensible word. He just mumbles inanely and holds his empty paws out in a mad gesture of 'look, nothing in here!" Hmmmmm

I've watched him zip enthusiastically up the fat,red female squirrel's tree with his cheeks full to bursting and then mysteriously reappear flaccid-cheeked, paws behind his back and whistling innocently. Suspicious, very suspicious.

I've used up my own meagre back-up supply of acorns and nuts since we fled the family tree. I had naively hoped that by now he would have done the decent thing and disclosed the location of our family store so that we can share it fairly. I mean, I happily handed over my entire store of nuts when we set up nest together and I want to know what he's bloody well done with them. It's one thing to be a selfish, greedy rodent, but making your offspring suffer cold and hunger is something else entirely. It goes against nature...thats where the psycho bit comes in I think.....

So this week I've hired me a professional squirrel catcher on a 'no result, no fee' deal and if he doesn't catch the fat rodent then I'm calling in a taxidermist.

Yep, as you can probably tell, I'm spitting chips here. The whole situation has gotten me so bloody mad and frustrated that it's made me even more determined to have that offending squirrel's nuts!

Mum, what do you want to be when you grow up?

Yep, from the mouths of babes as they say!

Admittedly, the question posed by my 5-year-old came straight after we had finished a sock-surfing session on the kitchen floor - I had given my best performance to date and was smugly showing my kids how to perfect the slide,turn and recover technique.

Anyway, the question got me thinking a bit.......

Now, I'm sure you'll all empathise with this, I keep forgetting how old I am! (maybe it's Alzheimer's) I'm serious. I was actually having a conversation with my father the other day and mentioned my age. He corrected me and I looked at him in stunned confusion as he said " You can't bloody pull that trick on me, I'm your father, and I was there"

Trouble is that most of my friends are younger than me, and I sort of morph into this younger persona most of the time until I say something like " Yeah, well do you remember that kids programme the Magic Roundabout?' and someone pulls me back into line with " Nope, cos that was before we were born!"

So, back to the question of what I want to be when I finally grow up. It's a tough one, given that I don't know if I ever will. But if I do, here are some ideas I've been mulling over....

A Hell's Granny - because I have a hankering for a motorbike and I'd love any excuse for donning leather after the age of seventy. If I'm too infirm by then, then I think I'll just get me one of those motorised old-age scooter things cos then I can drive on the pavements and it'll be legal! I'll even be able to give my ageing mates lifts back from poker nights on the handlebars... I know from observation that you don't need a licence to drive one of those recklessly!
A Belly Dancer - well, I've already got the belly for it and it jiggles a fair bit. How hard can it be to learn how to get it to jiggle in time to music? I think I'd really enjoy seeing how my children react when 'nanna' insists on doing her party piece at family gatherings!
A Spy - I really do think that the CIA and MI5 should seriously consider recruiting among the elderly. I mean, by the time you reach your sixties or seventies you're a bit like Obi-Wan Kanobi. Cool, calm collected and incredibly wise. Great attributes for the perfect spy. Plus, who would suspect a sweet little old granny of being a spy? Oooooh imagine the excitement when you get your company car from Q. Pass me that recruitment form and a martini NOW!
Well, those are my thoughts for now. Actually, there's nothing stopping me from being all three if I want...Further suggestions from my readers would be great, so lets hear from you! Oh, you know what? The one thing that I know with absolute conviction and certainty that I will be when I grow up is:

A Nuisance. Sorry kids but it'll be payback time!!